R-E-S-P-E-C-T

respect. what is it?

according to The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, it's: "A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem."

well, for me, i'm not getting enough of that from my friends around me. let's start from my secondary school days.

i've got serious attitude problems since young. i was rebellious and loved to challenge authorities from everywhere; SJAB seniors, school teachers, etc.. but i tried to change it as i grew older, and i believe i did. but the thing is, i still do not get the amount of RESPECT i need. out of school, i used to hang out with these bunch of friends from the Normal Academic (NA) classes when in Sec 4 & 5. everytime we were out, i never get a say in where we were going or eating and things like that. in fact, i get ignored at times. this lead me back to my attitude problems, and soon enough, i decided to leave the pack. i got so sick and tired of not getting RESPECT from them. i hated them for treating me like i'm transparent. no matter how well i treated them, i couldn't get them to "like" me even more.

coming into RP, all seemed fine, until i joined Dragon Boat (DB). i got lots of RESPECT from my DB mates from my intake, but not for long. i did something which was wrong, sub-consciously, and my captains had decided to use that to target me, as a victim; four to five people were involved, but i was picked out to be the greatest victim. they made me punish my DB mates, and after that, life in DB haven't been easy. i've been hated by the whole intake. until now, i still don't get enough RESPECT from them, no matter how much i try to "compensate" my wrong doings. those from DB would think that Christo, Rone and i are like the best friends forever, and i would get RESPECT from them. you guys are wrong. i still get ignored when i talk, i sometimes even get interupted when talking, and the worst thing is, they interupt me by talking about things way off from the topic we're at. even when i'm talking to them about my problems, i get cut off, and they start talking about different things (the exact situation happened when i'm with my secondary school "clique").

i've been a man without respect for a long time. i dont have any close friends around me. Lynnette, not even you. we may be BFFs by name, but we still don't know each other well enough, and don't spend enough time together. i get ignored, neglected, forgotten in everywhere i go. it's not that i don't respect my friends enough, i think i do. but, i'm just doing something wrong. if you guys can respect me more, i'm sure i'll do so to you guys, and vice-versa.

for now, i'll take the first step. I, TERENCE TOH JIAWEI, SINCERELY APOLOGISE TO ALL I'VE OFFENDED (CONSCIOUSLY/ SUB-CONSCIOUSLY). I SEEK FOR ALL OF YOU TO FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I DID TO YOU. if it's not enough, please look for me then.

anyway, i'm still in search of someone, or a group of people who can really treat me as friends. people who will listen to me when i'm down, help me and provide soutions, or maybe at least try. people who know me would realise that i'm "desperate"-ly looking for a girlfriend. yes, i am. and it's because i know that if i can find one, she'll be able to provide me great shoulders to lie on, great listening ears, great hugs, great company and great love. and i know i'll be able to do so for her too. hey, we're forgetting something aren't we? she'll be able to provide me GREAT GREAT RESPECT.

when will i get this RESPECT i need? i have no idea. but i'll have to wait.